34.....What can I say about you. Well I can tell you that I've never felt as mentally strong as what I do now. I can tell you that I've never felt as sexually empowered with my body as I currently do now. And I can tell you, I've never felt the inner confidence within my skin that I naturally feel in this exact moment right now. It may sound crazy to you, but at 34 I just feel so much more secure with my identity. Which I think must be down to working on a show that really required me to truly channel, and discover my true heritage or want of the word 'blackness' (Hamlet was a predominately all black ensemble cast, loosely set in West Africa). Which is something, if I'm honest, I've never really thought hard about (in terms of my roots). I've learnt new things about myself, aswell as the conditional things I tended to do, that I knew I had to change. For example at times in social situations, it was like I was overtly apologising for who I really am. Trying hard not to be too loud or trying hard not to laugh with a big belch (my laugh is loud). But at 34 I just don't care or worry anymore, and I think a part of me didn't fully care before, but of course a tiny fraction of me did.
Which of course is slightly hypocritical. Especially when I'm constantly encouraging you the reader, to do you and express yourself through your own personal style. But it's interesting how you can be really extroverted, bold and confident with your style and fashion choices, but still really care inwardly as to what people think of you, the person.
At 34 I know what I want and what I don't want in my life. And I know who I want and who I'd rather not have in my life (told you about the inner strongness). At 34 I still get the hints of kids and marriage thrown into daily conversations, but I found myself bizarrely not as a taken aback or offended by what I initially thought was an over judgement by anyone anymore (People just generally want to talk to you about it because they care or actually want advice themselves). And I'm just more open and less defensive on a topic which I think deep down scared the pants out of me! I now actually enjoy talking about that aspect of my life. I just know exactly what I want.....And never knew it would feel this bloody fabulous to know (I hope my head is making sense to you). Don't get me wrong I'm still going to be a silly-ish 34 year old hot mess-ish, but maybe a more organised strong minded 34 year old hot mess.
Ps. Slight delay on this post being posted, but you can catch up on all that life stuff here. X
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